The UAE Highway Code
1: Vehicle condition
You MUST ensure your vehicle and trailer can at least move, whether using motor, camel or donkey traction. Wheels would be nice too. If you are driving a Heavy Goods Vehicle, be sure to adorn it with coloured lights. This might help make you more visible, especially as the vehicle’s proper lights don’t seem to work.
2: Before setting off
You should ensure that:
- you have kind of planned your route and only allowed enough time to get to your destination if you travel at just under light speed. With a tail wind.
- clothing and footwear are from Harvey Nich’s
- you sort of know where all the controls are but have no idea what they do.
- your seat are adjusted correctly to ensure comfort, at least partial control and maybe, just a little bit of good vision. Don’t worry about the blacked-out windows. Position the mirror for optimum self-admiring glances.
- head restraints are properly adjusted to reduce the risk of neck injuries in the event of an seeing an attractive woman
- you have sufficient fuel before commencing your journey, especially if it includes motorway driving. The car might only make 50km on one tank, so be careful.
3: Seat Belts
Drivers in the front seat: That black strap thing might look a bit silly across your nice designer clothes, and may even crumple them. It also restricts the driver’s movement to the other seat, to the rear of the vehicle to get your CDs, or out of the sunroof. Don’t bother.
Children ages 3 and under: These should be restrained fully by bouncing them on the knee of a passenger, or even the driver, depending on your mood. Hanging them out of the window at 140kph is a good laugh.
Children ages 3 to 12: These children should sit on the roof.
Signals are made with that stick thing behind the steering wheel. Pull it towards you to make people move out of the way. In combination with the horn, this is the only signalling you require. There are these things called indicators as well, but they only cause confusion and actually, it isn’t anyone else’s business where you are going.
- watch out for hand signals given by other road users and ring the police immediately if they give you the bird.
- Watch for other drivers using indicators. If you see them doing so, you should speed up to prevent them from manoeuvring.
Traffic lights are simple. Green means go very fast. Amber means go even faster. Red means go really, really fast, unless the idiot in front has stopped for some reason. As soon as the lights go green again, give the driver in front 3.5 nanoseconds to move before honking angrily and at length.
Traffic signs are there to be knocked over and will probably send you in the wrong direction or give you incorrect information anyway.
Only flash your headlights in an attempt to intimidate other road users. Do not flash your headlights to let other road users know that you are there.
7: Hazard warning lights
These marvellous thingies are great for telling other road users that you are a moron. Switch them on when it gets foggy or when it rains in order to remind other road users of what they are already painfully aware of, and keep them guessing as to where you might be going. Everyone else on the road with a brain is more nervous than usual, but that’s a good thing. It galvanises the senses.
Also use your hazard warning lights when you need to inexplicably stop in the road and obstruct all other road users.
8: Speed Limits
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
9: Lines and Markings on the Road
They look nice, don’t they? Give a bit of symmetry to the roads and roundabouts. Anyway, Yellow lines are to be crossed whenever possible. Chevrons painted in an area designate taking-over and pushing-in points for large 4x4 vehicles.
10: Mobile Phones and other technology
Mobile phones are compulsory. They should be stuck to one ear at all times. You might want to keep one hand free for smoking, shaving, applying make-up, reading or selecting a play-list on your I-pod.
You MUST get to your destination before everyone else. Don’t let Dastardly and Mutley win. End of. Only move away from the fast lane 5 metres before your turn off. Without indicating, naturally.
12: Being Overtaken
I know. It’s a mad concept, but it might just happen when you’re coming onto a fast road. Don’t worry, you’ll be in the fast lane soon. Anyway, should anyone in the lane beside you put on their indicator, it means they want you to get closer to the car in front as quickly as possible.
13: Pedestrian Crossings
You’re having a laugh, aren’t you? Those zebra-patterned things? Nah! If you see anyone stop at them, refer to the last part of the instructions for traffic lights. Anyway, watch out for men in night-shirts running across highways. They could well give your car a nasty dent.
Cyclists will come the wrong way down a highway towards you, wobbling around with the weight of whatever it is they have in the huge baskets. They particularly like doing this at night. Without lights.